It's All Fun and Games Read online

  “Hear! Hear!” the others shouted, raising their own invisible glasses.

  Simon smiled back at the group. “Thanks, guys. Anyway, I was a lot better at doing the makeup years ago. But if you don’t use your skills, you lose your skills, right? That’s what Dad always says.” He paused, lost in thought, before continuing. “What are you doing here? I never expected you to do this in a million years!”

  “Well, you know, TJ finally roped me into it. I wasn’t doing anything else this weekend, so I figured I’d give it a shot.”

  “You got a backstory?” Chuck interjected. “Or even a name?”

  Allison looked back and forth between the boys. “Backstory?”

  “Well, for example, my name is Phineas! I’m the best pickpocket and cat burglar in Westmarch. Or at least I was, until I crossed the wrong folks in the guild and had to hop a boat outta town. Met up with these fine gentlemen and offered them my services.” He jerked a thumb at Jimmy. “Always pays to have your own muscle, you know what I mean?”

  Jimmy nodded. “I am Jameson MacCordish, from the northern tribes.” He grinned sheepishly. “I know, it’s kinda cliché, but it seemed cool when I was ten. Anyway, my village was destroyed by outlanders, and I left, seeking vengeance. Found it too. But that didn’t bring my family back to life, so I’ve been wandering ever since.”

  Allison shook her head. “Well, I didn’t think of any of that. No name, and definitely no backstory. Is that going to be a problem?”

  “Nah,” replied Jimmy. “Allison is as good a name as any, and with that hair of yours, maybe you’re from the North as well.” He screwed up his eyes. “In fact, let’s say you’re my best friend’s kid sister. The two of you were away from the village when it was sacked—I bet he was taking you to the temple to start as a novice. And the last time I saw him he asked me to look after you, so here you are. Fresh from the temple and out on your first adventure!”

  Allison looked doubtful, but she gave in at the happy look on Jimmy’s face. “Kid sister. First adventure. Got it.”

  “Oye! Oye!” A herald’s voice drifted in through a cracked window. “The king commands your attendance on the parade ground!” All conversation inside the lodge stopped, and bodies began moving toward the door.

  TJ stuck his head in the room and called, “C’mon, guys, time to start!”

  They stepped out into the bright sunlight to see that a tent had been erected. Allison figured it was probably meant to be a pavilion, since it had a couple streamers waving from its corners and apex, but the “J&R Party Rental” stamped in big letters sort of killed the effect.

  She looked around at the thirty or so others who had converged for the weekend of gaming. As Allison had feared, there were almost no other girls present, though it occurred to her that she didn’t feel as out of place as she’d expected. The one adult woman in attendance stood nearby and was dressed in a green outfit similar to Stu’s. Next to her was a bearded man in a matching costume, and as the two murmured back and forth, they watched the play fighting of three children who looked to be between ages ten and fifteen. Occasionally one of the adults would call out a suggestion to the kids, and when the youngest took a sword in the face and burst into tears, the woman wrapped him in a hug. Realizing it was a family who had come together for the weekend, Allison smirked, idly imagining what half-human, half-whatever-Simon-was children would look like.

  There were several other nonhumans within the group, though none of them appeared to have put the attention to detail into their makeup as Simon had. Those players who weren’t robed mostly wore shirts woven from gray or silver yarn to simulate armor, and a couple even had headpieces made from real chain links. Almost everyone had a weapon of some sort, either a staff or a sword or an axe, all padded and duct-taped for safety.

  As the last person exited the lodge, someone nearby blew a trumpet fanfare and then shouted, “Hail King Robert of Livonia!” The crowd returned the shout, and one of the tent flaps opened to reveal a middle-aged man wearing a fur robe across his shoulders and a crown atop his head. The fur looked authentic; the crown looked like it came from a dollar store. Allison remembered her own helmet and decided that she shouldn’t judge.

  There was a smattering of applause and cheering. One lone voice shouted, “Long live the king!” The king looked over in that direction and smiled and waved, then gave a little bow of his head in acknowledgment. Regardless of what his costume looked like, he sure looked like he was reveling in the attention.

  “That’s the guy,” TJ whispered. “The one who owns all this land. Wicked nice when you get to know him. He’s like an accountant or a lawyer or something most of the time.”

  “My people.” The king smiled broadly. There was a bit more applause. “MY PEOPLE!” His voice boomed this time, his arms spread out before him. This resulted in more cheering, though one person booed as people fully got into their characters. “My people.” His voice was softer now. The crowd edged closer. “These are dark times. Dark times indeed. In years past, our kingdom has cried out when in need of champions, and those among you stepped forward, took up the challenge, and returned victorious. As to the manner in which you approached these challenges . . . well, some were less acceptable to the Crown than others.” His eyes fell first upon Chuck, then moved on to several others as he continued. “But we can overlook that in light of your successes.” There was a little nervous laughter among the adventurers.

  “But those challenges, those trials and tribulations, are but nothing compared to what we now face. A darkness has risen in the East.”

  TJ chuckled. “It’s always the East, isn’t it? Sauron, Arawn, the Yankees . . .” The wisecrack spawned considerable laughter, and King Robert scowled in his direction.

  “This is no joke, my people. There is a new threat that faces us, and not just us, but all the peoples of our world.” Now that got people’s attention. They were used to plots being based on only local happenings—some barony invading another, or a tribe of goblins passing through and raiding farmers’ lands. There were groups all around the country that laid claim to other parts of the world, and each group was mindful not to step on others’ toes.

  “Word has reached us that a mighty wizard has arisen from the squabbles of the Arcanum in Estervary. We have long been protected here in the West from their internal struggles and from the fallout of their magebattles. This has been partly because of our distance and partly because none wanted to risk looking outward when their power base was still threatened by others.

  “But that has all changed. One stands supreme amid the ruins of his rivals and is able to act unchecked—at least for now. He has turned his eyes westward, with thoughts of war and conquest. To be sure, there are many lands and many leagues between Estervary and us, but as each domino falls, he will gain momentum until he is unstoppable.”

  A voice from the crowd called out, “But what of the rest of the Arcanum? As he moves westward, will they not try to topple him from behind?” It was all Greek to Allison, though it was obvious that most had all the background lore down.

  The king nodded. “Indeed, that is always the way of these things. And while yes, history has proven that that is the inevitable conclusion, shall we wait until he has laid waste to our lands and has killed or enslaved our friends and neighbors?” His voice crescendoed. “Or shall we ride forth to meet him, to turn him aside before he comes within a hundred leagues? For myself, and for our people, I choose the latter.”

  There was a general muttering within the crowd as the assembled heroes digested the information. Allison looked at TJ and said, “Wait, a hundred leagues? Isn’t that really incredibly far? Are we going to get on a bus or something? Couldn’t they have just emailed us this information beforehand and then pretended we’d already marched by the time we got here?”

  He smiled. “Well, that’s kind of what we’re going to do. After we break camp and head out into the adventure, we’ll fast-forward to whatever part of the world holds t
he next encounter. We won’t actually go very far at all, but we’ll cross hundreds of miles of game terrain. Willing suspension of disbelief, and all that.”

  “Like those horns Simon’s wearing?”

  TJ snorted. “Yeah, exactly.”

  The murmuring had receded, so their monarch spoke again. “Time is of the essence, my friends. You must proceed with all haste. The fate of not just our lands and people are in your hands, but so is the fate of everyone who lives outside of Estervary. Go now. Go with my blessings, and the blessings of the gods.”

  With that, the crowd erupted into a cheer. The king gave one last wave before disappearing back into the tent. People began breaking up into small groups, which Allison presumed were their own versions of adventuring parties. She looked around at the boys she was going to be fighting beside for the next two days in their costumes and—in Simon’s case—makeup. A surge of adrenaline streamed through her as she convinced herself that she was off to do battle with evil monsters and save the world.

  She grinned. “OK, let’s go knock some heads.” Then she turned toward the woods.

  “Wait, Allison,” called Simon. “We can’t leave quite yet.”

  “Why not? What about due haste and all that stuff? The fate of the world is in our hands. Shouldn’t we get going?”

  “Well, yes, and no. Look around. You see all those other parties here?”

  Allison counted six other groups. “Um, yes?”

  “Well, there aren’t enough NPCs—nonplayer characters—for everyone to run off fighting at once. The first group goes out and we give them half an hour, and then the next group goes out and the like. That gives each group time to complete a particular encounter, either killing some monsters or discovering a hidden cache or interviewing a local person, and lets the NPCs set back up for the next group to come through. In the meantime, we just sorta hang out here and shoot the breeze. We can head back into the tavern until our number is called.”

  Allison nodded, then led the way back to the table they’d left not long before. “For a football player, you sure know an awful lot about how this stuff works.”

  If he was at all embarrassed, it was well concealed by his makeup. “Yeah, well, it’s been a while. Feels good to be back in costume and in character. Back in the saddle, so to speak. I have to say that being Garbaldar”—he pronounced the name with a guttural growl—“sure is a lot of fun. A lot more fun than getting pounded by linebackers. My dad says that Garbaldar won’t get me any scholarships for college, though, and being a tailback will. So ol’ Garby only comes out every so often.”

  “Show her your tongue, Garby,” Chuck interjected, causing both Jimmy and TJ to laugh, though Stu looked as bemused by the statement as Allison felt.

  Simon grinned for a moment and then said, “OK, gimme a second.” He turned and fidgeted for a few seconds before turning back around. “Thstand back, folksth,” he said and opened his mouth wide, allowing a six-inch tongue to unroll from inside it. He made a slurping noise and waggled it back and forth several times before reaching up and pulling the prosthetic off his real tongue. Allison initially recoiled, but quickly joined in on the laughter.

  A voice drifted in from outside the lodge. “Group five, you’re up! Group five? Where are you?”

  Jimmy jumped up from the table and said, “Whoa, that’s us already. They always do it in a random order, and we’ve never gone this quickly. Let’s get a move on. I don’t want to have the folks behind us hurrying us along. Hey, Allison, did you ever get that mace we were talking about? If not, I’ve got a spare in my car I can run and grab. She did take a proficiency in mace, right?”

  TJ nodded. “Yeah, I made sure she took the mace skill, and that she took an armor proficiency too, so she can actually receive in-game defensive credit for that truly awesome . . . breastplate”—he snorted—“she’s wearing.” Allison rolled her eyes at him, but he pretended not to notice. “If you can go grab that mace from your trunk, that’d be great. And then we can get rolling!”

  While they waited for Jimmy, the others went to the judge in charge of starting and checked in. He made sure that they matched the descriptions listed on his clipboard and then said, “OK, so here’s the scoop. You’re going to be traveling through the Duchy of Hanover on your way to Estervary. Just as a reminder, the Hanoverians aren’t particularly fond of magic.” He looked at TJ. “Or of nonhumans.” He looked at Simon. “Head due west into the woods and the adventure will begin. From this point on, coming out of character will cost you experience and treasure rewards, not to mention ruining the fun for everyone else.” He consulted his clipboard again and said, “OK, looks like TJ is the group leader.” The judge handed him an air horn. “In the case of an out-of-character emergency, blow this three times in rapid succession, and then once every minute afterward so that we can find you. In the case of an in-character emergency, well, I hope you know how to run.” He slapped TJ on the butt the way football players often do and winked. “Have fun storming the castle!”

  By this time Jimmy had returned with Allison’s mace, as well as his own weapon, which was every bit as ridiculous as TJ had led her to believe. The handle was a good foot and a half long, and then the “blade,” which was only identifiable as such because it was emerging from the cross guard and painted silver, was another six feet if it was an inch. The foam padding that had been wrapped around the PVC pipe kept it from wobbling too much when it moved, but Allison decided that overall it still looked pretty stupid. It occurred to her, however, that if it was truly the only thing standing between her death at the hands of some power-mad wizard and his assorted minions, she would indulge a little ridiculousness.

  She took the mace and hefted it in her hand—it wasn’t much more than a stick with a knobby end. Swinging it once or twice, she said, “Thanks. Hold it on this end, whack with that end, and no hits to the head or the, well, you-know-whats, right?”

  “Right!” Jimmy gave her an encouraging smile.

  “Got it. Let’s get moving.”

  CHAPTER 4

  The six headed off in the direction that the starting judge had indicated. Stu took point and Jimmy lagged behind, the two bookending the more pitifully armed and armored party members. Stu had an armband tied to his left arm, which indicated to the NPCs that he had the wilderness ability. Characters who had trained in that ability were less likely to be surprised when traveling in the woods. Any foes they ran into would be sure to make sufficient noise so that the player himself would be warned in time. Groups without such a character would get no added warning, which could be deadly if the monsters carried bows.

  The open field gave way to forest, the brilliant fall foliage overhead blocking out much of the sun. The light that made it through to the forest floor was dappled and ephemeral, shifting as the leaves swayed gently in the breeze. Other than the sound of the wind whispering through the branches and the party’s footfalls, all was silent. In novels Allison had read, the lack of animal noises always signaled something nasty that had scared the local fauna. But she figured it was just as likely it was their party causing the birds and squirrels to be still as it was some goblins lying in wait.

  The friends walked along a rudimentary path that led to one of the campsites farther away from the central lodge. Earlier, Chuck had explained to Allison that, for practical reasons, each adventure typically covered roughly the same area of the nature reserve. None of the organizers had the time or inclination to create brand-new paths and structures every time. The stories changed, of course, and how the terrain was used varied from weekend to weekend, but they had walked down this very path several times before.

  Suddenly, Stu raised his fist. Everyone stumbled to a stop and looked wildly around for danger. Chuck held his dagger at the ready, and TJ casually opened his beanbag pouch to prepare to cast a spell. Jimmy inched closer to the rest of the group, his sword raised and ready to strike. Everyone’s ears strained to catch any sounds.

  When no danger materi
alized, Stu’s hand dropped back down, and he began moving forward once again. Not three steps later, a cough rang out from beside the path, and he spun, his bow drawn and aimed at a nearby bush.

  A cackling voice called out, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! Unarmed and friendly-like, I am. You see me, yes?”

  “See you?” Allison smirked. “Well, you’re still hiding behind that bush, so it’s kinda hard to see much of anything.”

  The voice replied, “Come out, can I? Or shoot me and smite me will you, and leave my poor Wilfred without a father?”

  With a long look back along the path, Jimmy moved forward to stand protectively between the bushes and the rest of the party. Stu’s bow was still drawn, but he looked inquiringly at the others.

  TJ cleared his voice and called out, “Yes, you can come out, if you mean us no harm. But be aware that if you act in a hostile manner toward us, it will go all the worse for you.”

  “Oh yes, great master. Yes, kind I will be. And polite. And friendly-like. Oh yes!” The voice sounded to Allison like a cross between Gollum and Yoda. A head peeked out of the bush, followed quickly by the rest of the creature. The young man playing the character wore a grotesque mask that sported a long nose and bushy eyebrows, and he wore a generic brown robe that covered his entire body.

  “Goblin,” TJ murmured to Allison. “Not a serious threat to us unless he has a couple dozen more hiding among the trees. However, they’re devious and are not to be trusted.”

  The goblin turned to look at TJ and said, “Oh, not to be trusted, are we? Who the land beside the Lake of Dreams they promised to give us, and then their mind they changed? Hmm? Who the crafts and other pretty things of the Bonecrusher clan they promised to buy, and then on pain of death just took them? Hmm? Who the devious ones are, hmm? Not the Bonecrushers, for sure that is.” He then turned and stared directly at Simon. “The truth about who is the more devious, your people know, don’t they? Eh?”